Amusing Jokes.

Hello all! Nothing interesting has happened to me recently so I thought I'd post some amusing jokes! Let the fun begin!

A guy walked into a bar. The other guy ducked.

FATHER: son, you're like lightning with that hammer.
SON: pretty fast, eh?
FATHER: no, you never strike in the same place twice.

Chuck Norris CAN eat just one Doritos chip.

Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. And don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.


Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information that he wants.

You know the best thing about amnesia? I forgot.

There was an add for Bulldog puppies in the newspaper. The add said, "eats anything, loves children."

what do you get when you cross an elephant with a spider?

i don't know but if you see one walking across the ceiling run before it falls off! 

Heaven has been getting full lately, so St. Peter has decided to only let in people who died violent deaths. Later, three guys come, and St. Peter says to the first guy:
"How did you die?"
So the man answers: "Well, I came home one day and found this dude doing pushups on my balcony. So first I smashed his fingers with a hammer, then pushed him off the balcony. But he fell in the bushes and didn't die. So I got my fridge and threw it on him. But I fell off too, and died."
"Hold on a second." St. Peter says, and steps to the next person. "How did you die?" He asks.
"One day, I was doing pushups on this balcony. Then, this crazy guy smashes my fingers with a hammer, throws me off the balcony, and then throws a fridge on me."
St. Peter says again, "Hold on for a sec." and steps to the next dude, and asks him: "How did you die?"
The man says: "One day I was chilling in a fridge..."

Two teens were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The teen with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and his friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

 Little Susie had a stomach ache. When she told her mom her mom said "That's because its empty, you'd feel better if you had something in it." The next day the preacher came to call. After some discussion the preacher remarked that he had been suffering from a severe headache all day. Then little Susie remarked "That's because it's empty, you'd feel better if you had something in it."

The Pope got into a cab. He asked the driver "Is it alright if I try to drive?" Not wanting to refuse the Pope, the driver agreed and got into the back seat. The Pope was driving 75 in a 65 mph zone, so a police man pulled them over. The officer looked at the Pope and the man in the back of the vehicle, then said "I apologize." and walked back to his car.
"Why didn't you give them a ticket?" the policeman's partner asked.
"Because that was God." the officer replied
"How do you know that?"
"Because the Pope was driving him around."

What is the easiest way to find a square root?

A: start with a square tree

Person 1: my cousin has this great job at a watch factory.
Person 2: what's he do?
Person 1: he sits around all day making faces!

A fellow walked up to a lady's door and said "I'm sorry, I just ran over your cat. I'd like to replace him" she said "that's great, but how are you at catching mice?"

A young collage student stayed up past midnight studying for a test on identifying birds the next day. When he was taking the test he discovered that they were supposed to identify the birds by their legs. The student panicked and decided that he had had enough.
He stood up and said to the teacher, "This is impossible! I quit!" Now the teacher was not familiar with all the students in his class. As the student got to the door, the teacher called out, "Sir, what is your name?" The student turned around, lifted up his pants legs and said, "You tell me buddy! You tell me."

Two men were working in a ditch on a hot day while their boss stood under the shade of a tree. After a while, one of the worker asked his partner, "Why are we down here digging in this heat while our boss just watches us all nice and cool in the shade?"
The other shrugged and said, "I'll ask him!"
So the worker climbed out of the ditch and went up to the boss. "Why are we working and you're just standing here?"
The boss smiled and said, "Because of my intelligence!"
"What's intelligence?" Inquired the worker. The boss placed his hand in front of the tree trunk and said, "Try to punch my hand as hard as you can."
The worker did as he was told. But just before his fist reached the boss's hand, the boss jerked it away and the worker struck the hard tree trunk.
"And that, my friend, is intelligence." He explained.
Still rubbing his hand, the worker went back down into the ditch. His partner asked what the boss had said.
"He said it was because of his intelligence."
"What's intellegence?" Asked the friend. The worker placed his hand in front of his face. "Try to hit my hand with your shovel as hard as you can..."
SMACK!!!

An elderly woman's husband had just passed away a few days ago.

Meanwhile, a newlywed husband was on a trip expecting his wife to join him soon. When he got to the hotel, the first thing he did was write his new wife an email. He accidentally keyed in the wrong address.

The elderly woman's family got home one day from shopping. They couldn't find her for a while, but eventually found her passed out on the floor in front of the computer desk. One of them had the common sense to look at the computer to firgure out what had made her faint.
It was on her email account. The email read:

"To my dearest wife:

I have arrived safely. I expect your arrival next week. By the way, bring some shorts. It's really hot down here."

Enjoy!

-Aarathyn